i am shy.

oh golly. i am pretty good at giving advice to others, yet never know what to do with myself. puppy chatted to me over the internet the other day. he gave me xx's. but then barely talks to me in person. i am so in love it is sickening. i want to talk to him but i have nothing to say! what ever do i do?

x. lauren.

killing for love.

OH GOLLY. good one lauren. full of class and charm!

i nearly killed him. that son of a bitch i love, i almost killed.

sooo i was at school on a saturday, watching a soccer game. it was boring but whatever. puppy was watching too. my school is very spread out and in the middle of a dairy farm. he is a boarder and needed to get from the gym back to the boarding house (the one i snuck into, to see him that time). ANYWAY, i drove him back which is only took me 5 minutes yet i nearly crashed a dozen times. started off with me hitting another car whilst backing out, driving on the wrong side of the road, and then overtaking a car on a corner and me screaming. fuckers. he was scared. he must think i am looney.

so in other news, my best friend hates me, i have no idea what to do with my life, and i am at home on a saturday night whilst puppy is at a party probably getting with girls because he is so damn good looking and if you don't want a piece, you must be crazy. SERIOUSLY. like, he is so smouldering yet so dorky and his smile doesn't fit right and he has furrowed eyebrows. hahaha he is really adorable. fuck him eh.

x.lauren.

take care of those you love.

i had never lost anyone. nobody i was close to anyway. i lost my nonna when i was seven. i didn't understand what death was so much back then. she was a lovely grandmother, but it did not impact me greatly.

i guess i sort of figured i was one of those people who just didn't lose loved ones to death. it's pretty stupid now that i write it, as death is inevitable. i was only awakened to this a week ago.

my dog sandy.

i really wish i spent more time with her. i got her for my ninth birthday and she was a fat labrador. but i loved her. i loved her more than i will ever love anybody.

what is this bullshit that people babble? saying animals don't have souls? sandy had more of a soul than most of the people i know.

less than a month ago, i came home in tears. remember puppy? not the dog, but that stupid son of a bitch that i have been in love with since before i had boobs? yeah, so we had ballroom dancing at school and i didn't dance with him. he danced with this girl who he had previously liked and she had liked him. i hate her. she also stole my friends cat this one time. plus, she looks like a chipmunk which never works well for a human. i watched them and i was upset. i came home in tears. sandy was waiting by my car for her dinner. she saw me and stopped begging for food. i sat down on the ground in the garage and she came and sat on my lap and licked my tears until i stopped.

she cared more than anybody and i loved her for it. i wish i took her for more walks. i wish i told her how much she helped me throughout some of the hardest events that i have ever been through. i wish i hugged her more and comforted her when SHE was sad.

on the night before she was to be put down, i didn't tell her any of this. i lay down with her and just looked at her with tears in my eyes. i felt numb and just patted her head until we both fell asleep.

when i was sad, sandy would comfort me. now, for the worst thing i have ever had to feel, she cannot be hear to lick my tears. she is no longer. but i still love her more than anything.

x. lauren.

i don't have a date.

my school ball is in a few weeks. i don't have a date. i did get asked but only by boys i really didn't like and want to kill after being around them for more than ten minutes. i said no to them all. i only wanted one boy. too bad i just found out he is going with a girl he is good friends with. i think i fail at life pretty well.

i hope you don't fail at life. i hope you are happy and healthy and have many different boys lined up for you to choose from.

x. lauren.

i don't understand.

i post things on my blog regardless of the fact that nobody reads them. i write about things i care about. things which to you, are trivial as you do not know me. that's O.K. you can skip my blog if you like because i am not writing for you. i am writing because i need to. i need a way of expressing this ache inside of me that will not go away. i need it so i can reflect back on it at a later date. i can stop looking back to a time when i was happy with him. this proves i never was. i have always been alone. my habits have not changed and he still looks away from me. i am vulnerable and i am angry. i am mean to my mother and critical of my sister. i spread gossip about my friends and i am just wanting to be loved.

x. lauren.

love's deity.

this has got to be my favourite poem. i can relate easily and it is so beautifully written.

I LONG to talk with some old lover's ghost,
Who died before the god of love was born.
I cannot think that he, who then loved most,
Sunk so low as to love one which did scorn.
But since this god produced a destiny,
And that vice-nature, custom, lets it be,
I must love her that loves not me.

Sure, they which made him god, meant not so much,
Nor he in his young godhead practised it.
But when an even flame two hearts did touch,
His office was indulgently to fit
Actives to passives. Correspondency
Only his subject was ; it cannot be
Love, till I love her, who loves me.

But every modern god will now extend
His vast prerogative as far as Jove.
To rage, to lust, to write to, to commend,
All is the purlieu of the god of love.
Oh were we waken'd by this tyranny
To ungod this child again, it could not be
I should love her, who loves not me.

Rebel and atheist too, why murmur I,
As though I felt the worst that love could do?
Love might make me leave loving, or might try
A deeper plague, to make her love me too ;
Which, since she loves before, I'm loth to see.
Falsehood is worse than hate ; and that must be,
If she whom I love, should love me.

-john donne

x. lauren.

stupid things. stupid love. stupid confusion.

what's the deal? WITH EVERYTHING. like, holey muthafucker.

anyway. i hope everybody is wonderful. i accidentally got really drunk last night, ordered $40 worth of mcdonalds, painted an entire wall in small messages and then proceeded to throw up all night/today. i also had a driving test today which fucking killed me. i was still dizzy and probably not fit to drive but it's okay, i passed regardless. i then threw up all over myself.

i am sorry. you don't need to hear this garbage. i sound gross. i am gross. i also managed to blurt out all my secrets to my friends last night. probably a good thing though. told them that i have loved that cunt face since i was thirteen. burst out in tears out of rage for unrequited love.

x. lauren.

puppy love. pt.5/end.

okay, it didn't happen the way i had hoped...but i had kissed him. i had been wishing and wishing for just a kiss, for the previous four years. yeah...no biggie. he was dirty. he was a boy and not the charmer i had imagined he would be. his nickname of puppy was given to him after this. he was a puppy. he knew what he wanted...but had no clue of what he was doing. it was sweet.

so...apparently i told him i would text him afterwards? but i was drunk you see...and was NOT aware of that. i was just waiting for him. a few weeks later, i found out that it was my job to talk to him. so i did. all this love was virtual though, as you see it was still holidays. school started, we didn't talk. we would text each other...i guess we were both shy.

i kissed him again. the night before valentines. i told him about chivalry. i told him he had to talk to me. he never talked to me.

i kissed him again...in his dorm room at school. in a cube late at night. i snuck in. i kissed him a LOT. we did more than that. we did more than kiss on march 13th.

he still doesn't talk to me. not person to person.

please don't assume that he is an asshole. he isn't. he is shy. i am not kidding. i know he looks at me still. i know, because i still look at him too. every time i see him i am overcome with immense feelings which i don't know how to comprehend. there is no word invented to grasp the contents of what i am saying. the english language is not capable of dealing with matters as large as this.

i feel happy, i feel sick. i feel lonely and confused. i feel angry and i feel like running up to him and kissing the fuck out of him.

The last of your kisses was ever the sweetest;

the last smile the brightest; the last movement the gracefullest.

x. lauren.

puppy love. pt.4

so we text each other a few times, facebook chatted and whatnot. near the end of the holidays, on january tenth, my friend had a party. i wasn't going to drink... but i had a bottle of maitai that had to be drunk! i tried sharing it around... but somehow it all ended back into my oversized medieval times drinking cup. i drunk it all and it was good. so anyhow, i was unsure of where i stood with puppy at this time and lets just say... one of my other past loves was there too. he was and still is the epitome of a player. he's great, but he's...a SLUT. he has long cool hair which reminds me of a lions mane. he's also the leader of his group. hence why i call him LION. he was drunk and sleazy but pretty good looking. he told me to kiss him. i kissed him. i liked lion because he was demanding and made me feel like an innocent weak little baby dear which was strangely appealing. i liked being told what to do. so i kissed him a few more times.

puppy showed up later and was being friendly and sweet to me. i felt bad about kissing lion and i told him i was sorry. he forgave me. we kissed. i don't remember the first kiss though. i wish i did. i wish i was not an intoxicated mess. that kiss with puppy, that i had been dreaming of since i was thirteen, is a mystery. i don't know the time it happened, where it happened, and nobody else was around who saw it either.

my life would make a HORRID romance film.

to be continued...

x. lauren.

you complain because you don't understand.

seriously, people DO NOT UNDERSTAND the basic concept of living. and neither do i. i am not trying to sound like some new-age messiah or like, a cult leader...

ANYHOW, people always seem to say "life is hard", "life is pain" etc etc... you know what i mean right? but like, what have you ever experienced that is better than life? to the human mind, there is nothing for us to experience besides life. if it is that horrible, stop taking it so seriously! i mean, you are here for such a short time, yet we just complain about this wonderful opportunity!

you know something else rather bizarre? i hope this isn't just me, but do you find a sort of comfort in pain? i need an example...

O.K, so the guy i love/hate... i have been pining after him for so long and feeling sorry for myself that it has become a part of me. without the suffering and the crying and feeling like a rejected piece of garbage, i don't know who i am. i associate myself merely with my life experiences and find it hard to differentiate myself from my environment. if puppy decided he wanted me and we were able to woo peacefully, i would be scared. i would be scared i would get bored of this mutual attraction, scared that i would have to adopt a new identify, scared that i would have to admit to myself that i don't know who i am without my problems! I AM SO FUCKING LOST.

so PLEASE... lets all be lost together.

x. lauren.

puppy love. pt.3

wicked. the guy i loved KNEW MY NAME! stoked. but he had a girlfriend. but yeah, that didn't faze me. i knew she was temporary. he didn't even like her. i'm pretty sure he just went out with her because he felt sorry for her. yep, he's that much of a good cunt! throughout 2009, he would occasionally talk to me but FUCK was he awkward! he would say something to you and then whilst you replied, would become shy, look away, and the convo would end. it kinda made me like him more though. i like people who are weird and awkward and totally unaware that they are the most gorgeous specimens to ever grace earth!

sooo. the year went on, he dated a few people who were all socially inadequate if i am being honest. i didn't date anybody. i had a few little hook-ups and whatnot but i only really wanted puppy.

november fifteenth, puppy texts me OUTTA the blue. i was watching the lion king at the time when i got a "hey howsit going?". we chatted about weird shit for ages. he then had to go but told me i should text him sometime. and i did. and he did. but it was school holidays. all our conversations were via some form of newage technology. it made it less awkward. he was dirtier than in real life. but i liked it.

to be continued...

x. lauren.

i could be an internet predator.

i know that nobody reads my blog, and i actually find that funny. i feel like i am just talking to myself which is sorta cool. but IF for some reason you ARE reading this, then you should probably listen to this. i say that because it will help you understand who i am. i don't know why, but IT JUST WILL

x. lauren.

puppy love. pt.2

so there i was, fifteen, naive and lost to the world but with a new understanding of humanity. it was like i had found the answer to EVERYTHING. the one thing that made everything seem beautiful. still though, you must remember, very few words had been spoken between us. i had only talked to him properly once throughout that week of camp. the conversation was about the large penis that my friend had drawn on my face with permanent marker. there were no showers at this camp, and therefore the penis had managed to stay put for seven days.

camp finished, the year was over. i was in love, but to him, i was just 'dick-head'.

the next year, we didn't speak. one time, my friend brought up the fact that her friend lauren could crump better than anybody else. puppy said he didn't know who this 'lauren' was. that was slightly fucking ridiculously upsetting but WHATEVS. anyhow, at the end of the year whilst he was dating this girl whom i swear is the sweetest most socially awkward person on the earth, he came to a party which i was at. being a classy sixteen year old, i was drunk off my rocket. he however, being the good cunt he was and having a bicycle race coming up, was sober. although i cannot clearly remember that night, i am pretty sure i made a fool of myself. but that's okay, he learnt my name which made me pretty ecstatic. yeah it did.

to be continued...

x. lauren.

puppy love. pt.1

i ramble a lot and my sentences seem to be contradictory and confusing, even to me. so i shall try to explain my hate/love relationship with the boy i shall call puppy.

he started at my school when we were both thirteen, and from the get go, i was in awe. he was the first boy that i had ever genuinely liked and he seemed to be a constant mention in my diary. this diary, even i cringe reading. i sound lame. i sound stupid. but still...it shows proof that this love/hate thing started when i was pretty much pre-pubescent. PLEASE don't judge me (though i am well aware you will).

"my future i will marry (puppy) please hehe and we will have two daughters"

ew. i was thirteen. i don't even think i had kissed a boy. ew.

ANYHOW, this lame little crush continued on for two years, until school camp. i know this sounds horrible and cliche and shitty but I AM SORRY. if i could make it wittier or more exciting then i would, but this is what happened.

SO, last night of camp and we are all lying under the stars being cute and cliche and gag-worthy. my friend asked if we believed that wishing on stars worked. and puppy said "i think if you truly believe and want what you are wishing for, then it will come true". that was when it began. i remember at that exact moment, falling for him fully. i felt dizzy and confused. lying under the stars, i wished for HIM.

to be continued...

x. lauren.

how do we do it?

so...i'm pretty lost.

it's funny if you think about it. we are all just as confused as each other. whether you were planned, the result of an adulterous affair or an old man masturbating in a luke-warm spa with your mother innocently nearby, you are here now. we have all been thrown on this dirt ball we call earth and no matter how smart some people seem, they are just as confused about themselves as you are. i often laugh when people start talking about the reasons to why we are here and such. nobody actually knows anything. watching people reminds me of watching fish put into a new tank, swimming around trying to figure out how the fuck they got there and what their purpose is.

x. lauren.

if i liked love, this would be pretty cool.

strangers with benefits.

THAT boy. y'know, the one i love against my will? the one i fell for when i was practically prepubescent? him and i are strangers with benefits. we pretend each other does not exist, though together have had three glorious nights of passion and confusion. i guess we are both shy? i think he loves me too though. it's a funny thing. i guess the efforts i have gone to into pretending i hate him has really worked. he feels blessed when we have those rare encounters. as do i. but please don't tell him. because i HATE this love thing.

x. lauren.

my first love.

i was two. lachlan was four. he was pretty cute and even knew how to surf. i thought it was love and such. he told me we were going to get married. i was overjoyed (obviously). then, within the first month of our engagement...he started the dreaded thing called KINDERGARTEN. long story short, he met somebody else. her name was emma. he came over to my house one day for what i thought was to be a date. he just blurted it out. "i am so sorry lauren, but i cannot marry you anymore. i met someone else and i can't keep my eyes off her!"

i was distraught, then it was lunch time.

x. lauren.

love and other cute things.

hi. you don't have to read this if you don't want to. but i need to write it down. i am in love. i don't find this a fun feeling? i am seventeen. i wish i was being boy crazy and naive; that deep down i wasn't in love. sucks that this isn't true. sucks that i have been in love with a boy since i was thirteen. sucks that he didn't know my name for a long time whilst i already felt these horrid feelings for him. sucks that now, i think he loves me too. for probably six months now? we have kissed and such. he probably thinks i hate him? i wish i did hate his guts. love makes me feel all queasy like i am going to throw up.

x. lauren.