Wednesday, June 23, 2010

puppy love. pt.5/end.

okay, it didn't happen the way i had hoped...but i had kissed him. i had been wishing and wishing for just a kiss, for the previous four years. biggie. he was dirty. he was a boy and not the charmer i had imagined he would be. his nickname of puppy was given to him after this. he was a puppy. he knew what he wanted...but had no clue of what he was doing. it was sweet.
so...apparently i told him i would text him afterwards? but i was drunk you see...and was NOT aware of that. i was just waiting for him. a few weeks later, i found out that it was my job to talk to him. so i did. all this love was virtual though, as you see it was still holidays. school started, we didn't talk. we would text each other...i guess we were both shy.
i kissed him again. the night before valentines. i told him about chivalry. i told him he had to talk to me. he never talked to me.
i kissed him his dorm room at school. in a cube late at night. i snuck in. i kissed him a LOT. we did more than that. we did more than kiss on march 13th.
he still doesn't talk to me. not person to person.

please don't assume that he is an asshole. he isn't. he is shy. i am not kidding. i know he looks at me still. i know, because i still look at him too. every time i see him i am overcome with immense feelings which i don't know how to comprehend. there is no word invented to grasp the contents of what i am saying. the english language is not capable of dealing with matters as large as this.

i feel happy, i feel sick. i feel lonely and confused. i feel angry and i feel like running up to him and kissing the fuck out of him.

The last of your kisses was ever the sweetest;
the last smile the brightest; the last movement the gracefullest.

x. lauren.

Monday, June 14, 2010

puppy love. pt.4

so we text each other a few times, facebook chatted and whatnot. near the end of the holidays, on january tenth, my friend had a party. i wasn't going to drink... but i had a bottle of maitai that had to be drunk! i tried sharing it around... but somehow it all ended back into my oversized medieval times drinking cup. i drunk it all and it was good. so anyhow, i was unsure of where i stood with puppy at this time and lets just say... one of my other past loves was there too. he was and still is the epitome of a player. he's great, but he's...a SLUT. he has long cool hair which reminds me of a lions mane. he's also the leader of his group. hence why i call him LION. he was drunk and sleazy but pretty good looking. he told me to kiss him. i kissed him. i liked lion because he was demanding and made me feel like an innocent weak little baby dear which was strangely appealing. i liked being told what to do. so i kissed him a few more times.

puppy showed up later and was being friendly and sweet to me. i felt bad about kissing lion and i told him i was sorry. he forgave me. we kissed. i don't remember the first kiss though. i wish i did. i wish i was not an intoxicated mess. that kiss with puppy, that i had been dreaming of since i was thirteen, is a mystery. i don't know the time it happened, where it happened, and nobody else was around who saw it either.

my life would make a HORRID romance film.

to be continued...

x. lauren.

you complain because you don't understand.

seriously, people DO NOT UNDERSTAND the basic concept of living. and neither do i. i am not trying to sound like some new-age messiah or like, a cult leader...

ANYHOW, people always seem to say "life is hard", "life is pain" etc etc... you know what i mean right? but like, what have you ever experienced that is better than life? to the human mind, there is nothing for us to experience besides life. if it is that horrible, stop taking it so seriously! i mean, you are here for such a short time, yet we just complain about this wonderful opportunity!

you know something else rather bizarre? i hope this isn't just me, but do you find a sort of comfort in pain? i need an example...

O.K, so the guy i love/hate... i have been pining after him for so long and feeling sorry for myself that it has become a part of me. without the suffering and the crying and feeling like a rejected piece of garbage, i don't know who i am. i associate myself merely with my life experiences and find it hard to differentiate myself from my environment. if puppy decided he wanted me and we were able to woo peacefully, i would be scared. i would be scared i would get bored of this mutual attraction, scared that i would have to adopt a new identify, scared that i would have to admit to myself that i don't know who i am without my problems! I AM SO FUCKING LOST.

so PLEASE... lets all be lost together.

x. lauren.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

puppy love. pt.3

wicked. the guy i loved KNEW MY NAME! stoked. but he had a girlfriend. but yeah, that didn't faze me. i knew she was temporary. he didn't even like her. i'm pretty sure he just went out with her because he felt sorry for her. yep, he's that much of a good cunt! throughout 2009, he would occasionally talk to me but FUCK was he awkward! he would say something to you and then whilst you replied, would become shy, look away, and the convo would end. it kinda made me like him more though. i like people who are weird and awkward and totally unaware that they are the most gorgeous specimens to ever grace earth!

sooo. the year went on, he dated a few people who were all socially inadequate if i am being honest. i didn't date anybody. i had a few little hook-ups and whatnot but i only really wanted puppy.

november fifteenth, puppy texts me OUTTA the blue. i was watching the lion king at the time when i got a "hey howsit going?". we chatted about weird shit for ages. he then had to go but told me i should text him sometime. and i did. and he did. but it was school holidays. all our conversations were via some form of newage technology. it made it less awkward. he was dirtier than in real life. but i liked it.

to be continued...

x. lauren.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

i could be an internet predator.

i know that nobody reads my blog, and i actually find that funny. i feel like i am just talking to myself which is sorta cool. but IF for some reason you ARE reading this, then you should probably listen to this. i say that because it will help you understand who i am. i don't know why, but IT JUST WILL
x. lauren.

puppy love. pt.2

so there i was, fifteen, naive and lost to the world but with a new understanding of humanity. it was like i had found the answer to EVERYTHING. the one thing that made everything seem beautiful. still though, you must remember, very few words had been spoken between us. i had only talked to him properly once throughout that week of camp. the conversation was about the large penis that my friend had drawn on my face with permanent marker. there were no showers at this camp, and therefore the penis had managed to stay put for seven days.
camp finished, the year was over. i was in love, but to him, i was just 'dick-head'.

the next year, we didn't speak. one time, my friend brought up the fact that her friend lauren could crump better than anybody else. puppy said he didn't know who this 'lauren' was. that was slightly fucking ridiculously upsetting but WHATEVS. anyhow, at the end of the year whilst he was dating this girl whom i swear is the sweetest most socially awkward person on the earth, he came to a party which i was at. being a classy sixteen year old, i was drunk off my rocket. he however, being the good cunt he was and having a bicycle race coming up, was sober. although i cannot clearly remember that night, i am pretty sure i made a fool of myself. but that's okay, he learnt my name which made me pretty ecstatic. yeah it did.

to be continued...

x. lauren.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

puppy love. pt.1

i ramble a lot and my sentences seem to be contradictory and confusing, even to me. so i shall try to explain my hate/love relationship with the boy i shall call puppy.

he started at my school when we were both thirteen, and from the get go, i was in awe. he was the first boy that i had ever genuinely liked and he seemed to be a constant mention in my diary. this diary, even i cringe reading. i sound lame. i sound stupid. but shows proof that this love/hate thing started when i was pretty much pre-pubescent. PLEASE don't judge me (though i am well aware you will).
"my future i will marry (puppy) please hehe and we will have two daughters"
ew. i was thirteen. i don't even think i had kissed a boy. ew.

ANYHOW, this lame little crush continued on for two years, until school camp. i know this sounds horrible and cliche and shitty but I AM SORRY. if i could make it wittier or more exciting then i would, but this is what happened.

SO, last night of camp and we are all lying under the stars being cute and cliche and gag-worthy. my friend asked if we believed that wishing on stars worked. and puppy said "i think if you truly believe and want what you are wishing for, then it will come true". that was when it began. i remember at that exact moment, falling for him fully. i felt dizzy and confused. lying under the stars, i wished for HIM.

to be continued...

x. lauren.

Monday, June 7, 2010

how do we do it?

so...i'm pretty lost.
it's funny if you think about it. we are all just as confused as each other. whether you were planned, the result of an adulterous affair or an old man masturbating in a luke-warm spa with your mother innocently nearby, you are here now. we have all been thrown on this dirt ball we call earth and no matter how smart some people seem, they are just as confused about themselves as you are. i often laugh when people start talking about the reasons to why we are here and such. nobody actually knows anything. watching people reminds me of watching fish put into a new tank, swimming around trying to figure out how the fuck they got there and what their purpose is.

x. lauren.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

if i liked love, this would be pretty cool.

strangers with benefits.

THAT boy. y'know, the one i love against my will? the one i fell for when i was practically prepubescent? him and i are strangers with benefits. we pretend each other does not exist, though together have had three glorious nights of passion and confusion. i guess we are both shy? i think he loves me too though. it's a funny thing. i guess the efforts i have gone to into pretending i hate him has really worked. he feels blessed when we have those rare encounters. as do i. but please don't tell him. because i HATE this love thing.
x. lauren.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

my first love.

i was two. lachlan was four. he was pretty cute and even knew how to surf. i thought it was love and such. he told me we were going to get married. i was overjoyed (obviously). then, within the first month of our engagement...he started the dreaded thing called KINDERGARTEN. long story short, he met somebody else. her name was emma. he came over to my house one day for what i thought was to be a date. he just blurted it out. "i am so sorry lauren, but i cannot marry you anymore. i met someone else and i can't keep my eyes off her!"
i was distraught, then it was lunch time.

x. lauren.

love and other cute things.

hi. you don't have to read this if you don't want to. but i need to write it down. i am in love. i don't find this a fun feeling? i am seventeen. i wish i was being boy crazy and naive; that deep down i wasn't in love. sucks that this isn't true. sucks that i have been in love with a boy since i was thirteen. sucks that he didn't know my name for a long time whilst i already felt these horrid feelings for him. sucks that now, i think he loves me too. for probably six months now? we have kissed and such. he probably thinks i hate him? i wish i did hate his guts. love makes me feel all queasy like i am going to throw up.
x. lauren.