i had never lost anyone. nobody i was close to anyway. i lost my nonna when i was seven. i didn't understand what death was so much back then. she was a lovely grandmother, but it did not impact me greatly.
i guess i sort of figured i was one of those people who just didn't lose loved ones to death. it's pretty stupid now that i write it, as death is inevitable. i was only awakened to this a week ago.
my dog sandy.
i really wish i spent more time with her. i got her for my ninth birthday and she was a fat labrador. but i loved her. i loved her more than i will ever love anybody.
what is this bullshit that people babble? saying animals don't have souls? sandy had more of a soul than most of the people i know.
less than a month ago, i came home in tears. remember puppy? not the dog, but that stupid son of a bitch that i have been in love with since before i had boobs? yeah, so we had ballroom dancing at school and i didn't dance with him. he danced with this girl who he had previously liked and she had liked him. i hate her. she also stole my friends cat this one time. plus, she looks like a chipmunk which never works well for a human. i watched them and i was upset. i came home in tears. sandy was waiting by my car for her dinner. she saw me and stopped begging for food. i sat down on the ground in the garage and she came and sat on my lap and licked my tears until i stopped.
she cared more than anybody and i loved her for it. i wish i took her for more walks. i wish i told her how much she helped me throughout some of the hardest events that i have ever been through. i wish i hugged her more and comforted her when SHE was sad.
on the night before she was to be put down, i didn't tell her any of this. i lay down with her and just looked at her with tears in my eyes. i felt numb and just patted her head until we both fell asleep.
when i was sad, sandy would comfort me. now, for the worst thing i have ever had to feel, she cannot be hear to lick my tears. she is no longer. but i still love her more than anything.
x. lauren.
