i don't have a date.

my school ball is in a few weeks. i don't have a date. i did get asked but only by boys i really didn't like and want to kill after being around them for more than ten minutes. i said no to them all. i only wanted one boy. too bad i just found out he is going with a girl he is good friends with. i think i fail at life pretty well.

i hope you don't fail at life. i hope you are happy and healthy and have many different boys lined up for you to choose from.

x. lauren.

i don't understand.

i post things on my blog regardless of the fact that nobody reads them. i write about things i care about. things which to you, are trivial as you do not know me. that's O.K. you can skip my blog if you like because i am not writing for you. i am writing because i need to. i need a way of expressing this ache inside of me that will not go away. i need it so i can reflect back on it at a later date. i can stop looking back to a time when i was happy with him. this proves i never was. i have always been alone. my habits have not changed and he still looks away from me. i am vulnerable and i am angry. i am mean to my mother and critical of my sister. i spread gossip about my friends and i am just wanting to be loved.

x. lauren.

love's deity.

this has got to be my favourite poem. i can relate easily and it is so beautifully written.

I LONG to talk with some old lover's ghost,
Who died before the god of love was born.
I cannot think that he, who then loved most,
Sunk so low as to love one which did scorn.
But since this god produced a destiny,
And that vice-nature, custom, lets it be,
I must love her that loves not me.

Sure, they which made him god, meant not so much,
Nor he in his young godhead practised it.
But when an even flame two hearts did touch,
His office was indulgently to fit
Actives to passives. Correspondency
Only his subject was ; it cannot be
Love, till I love her, who loves me.

But every modern god will now extend
His vast prerogative as far as Jove.
To rage, to lust, to write to, to commend,
All is the purlieu of the god of love.
Oh were we waken'd by this tyranny
To ungod this child again, it could not be
I should love her, who loves not me.

Rebel and atheist too, why murmur I,
As though I felt the worst that love could do?
Love might make me leave loving, or might try
A deeper plague, to make her love me too ;
Which, since she loves before, I'm loth to see.
Falsehood is worse than hate ; and that must be,
If she whom I love, should love me.

-john donne

x. lauren.

stupid things. stupid love. stupid confusion.

what's the deal? WITH EVERYTHING. like, holey muthafucker.

anyway. i hope everybody is wonderful. i accidentally got really drunk last night, ordered $40 worth of mcdonalds, painted an entire wall in small messages and then proceeded to throw up all night/today. i also had a driving test today which fucking killed me. i was still dizzy and probably not fit to drive but it's okay, i passed regardless. i then threw up all over myself.

i am sorry. you don't need to hear this garbage. i sound gross. i am gross. i also managed to blurt out all my secrets to my friends last night. probably a good thing though. told them that i have loved that cunt face since i was thirteen. burst out in tears out of rage for unrequited love.

x. lauren.