take care of those you love.

i had never lost anyone. nobody i was close to anyway. i lost my nonna when i was seven. i didn't understand what death was so much back then. she was a lovely grandmother, but it did not impact me greatly.

i guess i sort of figured i was one of those people who just didn't lose loved ones to death. it's pretty stupid now that i write it, as death is inevitable. i was only awakened to this a week ago.

my dog sandy.

i really wish i spent more time with her. i got her for my ninth birthday and she was a fat labrador. but i loved her. i loved her more than i will ever love anybody.

what is this bullshit that people babble? saying animals don't have souls? sandy had more of a soul than most of the people i know.

less than a month ago, i came home in tears. remember puppy? not the dog, but that stupid son of a bitch that i have been in love with since before i had boobs? yeah, so we had ballroom dancing at school and i didn't dance with him. he danced with this girl who he had previously liked and she had liked him. i hate her. she also stole my friends cat this one time. plus, she looks like a chipmunk which never works well for a human. i watched them and i was upset. i came home in tears. sandy was waiting by my car for her dinner. she saw me and stopped begging for food. i sat down on the ground in the garage and she came and sat on my lap and licked my tears until i stopped.

she cared more than anybody and i loved her for it. i wish i took her for more walks. i wish i told her how much she helped me throughout some of the hardest events that i have ever been through. i wish i hugged her more and comforted her when SHE was sad.

on the night before she was to be put down, i didn't tell her any of this. i lay down with her and just looked at her with tears in my eyes. i felt numb and just patted her head until we both fell asleep.

when i was sad, sandy would comfort me. now, for the worst thing i have ever had to feel, she cannot be hear to lick my tears. she is no longer. but i still love her more than anything.

x. lauren.

i don't have a date.

my school ball is in a few weeks. i don't have a date. i did get asked but only by boys i really didn't like and want to kill after being around them for more than ten minutes. i said no to them all. i only wanted one boy. too bad i just found out he is going with a girl he is good friends with. i think i fail at life pretty well.

i hope you don't fail at life. i hope you are happy and healthy and have many different boys lined up for you to choose from.

x. lauren.

i don't understand.

i post things on my blog regardless of the fact that nobody reads them. i write about things i care about. things which to you, are trivial as you do not know me. that's O.K. you can skip my blog if you like because i am not writing for you. i am writing because i need to. i need a way of expressing this ache inside of me that will not go away. i need it so i can reflect back on it at a later date. i can stop looking back to a time when i was happy with him. this proves i never was. i have always been alone. my habits have not changed and he still looks away from me. i am vulnerable and i am angry. i am mean to my mother and critical of my sister. i spread gossip about my friends and i am just wanting to be loved.

x. lauren.

love's deity.

this has got to be my favourite poem. i can relate easily and it is so beautifully written.

I LONG to talk with some old lover's ghost,
Who died before the god of love was born.
I cannot think that he, who then loved most,
Sunk so low as to love one which did scorn.
But since this god produced a destiny,
And that vice-nature, custom, lets it be,
I must love her that loves not me.

Sure, they which made him god, meant not so much,
Nor he in his young godhead practised it.
But when an even flame two hearts did touch,
His office was indulgently to fit
Actives to passives. Correspondency
Only his subject was ; it cannot be
Love, till I love her, who loves me.

But every modern god will now extend
His vast prerogative as far as Jove.
To rage, to lust, to write to, to commend,
All is the purlieu of the god of love.
Oh were we waken'd by this tyranny
To ungod this child again, it could not be
I should love her, who loves not me.

Rebel and atheist too, why murmur I,
As though I felt the worst that love could do?
Love might make me leave loving, or might try
A deeper plague, to make her love me too ;
Which, since she loves before, I'm loth to see.
Falsehood is worse than hate ; and that must be,
If she whom I love, should love me.

-john donne

x. lauren.

stupid things. stupid love. stupid confusion.

what's the deal? WITH EVERYTHING. like, holey muthafucker.

anyway. i hope everybody is wonderful. i accidentally got really drunk last night, ordered $40 worth of mcdonalds, painted an entire wall in small messages and then proceeded to throw up all night/today. i also had a driving test today which fucking killed me. i was still dizzy and probably not fit to drive but it's okay, i passed regardless. i then threw up all over myself.

i am sorry. you don't need to hear this garbage. i sound gross. i am gross. i also managed to blurt out all my secrets to my friends last night. probably a good thing though. told them that i have loved that cunt face since i was thirteen. burst out in tears out of rage for unrequited love.

x. lauren.

puppy love. pt.5/end.

okay, it didn't happen the way i had hoped...but i had kissed him. i had been wishing and wishing for just a kiss, for the previous four years. yeah...no biggie. he was dirty. he was a boy and not the charmer i had imagined he would be. his nickname of puppy was given to him after this. he was a puppy. he knew what he wanted...but had no clue of what he was doing. it was sweet.

so...apparently i told him i would text him afterwards? but i was drunk you see...and was NOT aware of that. i was just waiting for him. a few weeks later, i found out that it was my job to talk to him. so i did. all this love was virtual though, as you see it was still holidays. school started, we didn't talk. we would text each other...i guess we were both shy.

i kissed him again. the night before valentines. i told him about chivalry. i told him he had to talk to me. he never talked to me.

i kissed him again...in his dorm room at school. in a cube late at night. i snuck in. i kissed him a LOT. we did more than that. we did more than kiss on march 13th.

he still doesn't talk to me. not person to person.

please don't assume that he is an asshole. he isn't. he is shy. i am not kidding. i know he looks at me still. i know, because i still look at him too. every time i see him i am overcome with immense feelings which i don't know how to comprehend. there is no word invented to grasp the contents of what i am saying. the english language is not capable of dealing with matters as large as this.

i feel happy, i feel sick. i feel lonely and confused. i feel angry and i feel like running up to him and kissing the fuck out of him.

The last of your kisses was ever the sweetest;

the last smile the brightest; the last movement the gracefullest.

x. lauren.

puppy love. pt.4

so we text each other a few times, facebook chatted and whatnot. near the end of the holidays, on january tenth, my friend had a party. i wasn't going to drink... but i had a bottle of maitai that had to be drunk! i tried sharing it around... but somehow it all ended back into my oversized medieval times drinking cup. i drunk it all and it was good. so anyhow, i was unsure of where i stood with puppy at this time and lets just say... one of my other past loves was there too. he was and still is the epitome of a player. he's great, but he's...a SLUT. he has long cool hair which reminds me of a lions mane. he's also the leader of his group. hence why i call him LION. he was drunk and sleazy but pretty good looking. he told me to kiss him. i kissed him. i liked lion because he was demanding and made me feel like an innocent weak little baby dear which was strangely appealing. i liked being told what to do. so i kissed him a few more times.

puppy showed up later and was being friendly and sweet to me. i felt bad about kissing lion and i told him i was sorry. he forgave me. we kissed. i don't remember the first kiss though. i wish i did. i wish i was not an intoxicated mess. that kiss with puppy, that i had been dreaming of since i was thirteen, is a mystery. i don't know the time it happened, where it happened, and nobody else was around who saw it either.

my life would make a HORRID romance film.

to be continued...

x. lauren.