i am shy.

oh golly. i am pretty good at giving advice to others, yet never know what to do with myself. puppy chatted to me over the internet the other day. he gave me xx's. but then barely talks to me in person. i am so in love it is sickening. i want to talk to him but i have nothing to say! what ever do i do?

x. lauren.

killing for love.

OH GOLLY. good one lauren. full of class and charm!

i nearly killed him. that son of a bitch i love, i almost killed.

sooo i was at school on a saturday, watching a soccer game. it was boring but whatever. puppy was watching too. my school is very spread out and in the middle of a dairy farm. he is a boarder and needed to get from the gym back to the boarding house (the one i snuck into, to see him that time). ANYWAY, i drove him back which is only took me 5 minutes yet i nearly crashed a dozen times. started off with me hitting another car whilst backing out, driving on the wrong side of the road, and then overtaking a car on a corner and me screaming. fuckers. he was scared. he must think i am looney.

so in other news, my best friend hates me, i have no idea what to do with my life, and i am at home on a saturday night whilst puppy is at a party probably getting with girls because he is so damn good looking and if you don't want a piece, you must be crazy. SERIOUSLY. like, he is so smouldering yet so dorky and his smile doesn't fit right and he has furrowed eyebrows. hahaha he is really adorable. fuck him eh.

x.lauren.

take care of those you love.

i had never lost anyone. nobody i was close to anyway. i lost my nonna when i was seven. i didn't understand what death was so much back then. she was a lovely grandmother, but it did not impact me greatly.

i guess i sort of figured i was one of those people who just didn't lose loved ones to death. it's pretty stupid now that i write it, as death is inevitable. i was only awakened to this a week ago.

my dog sandy.

i really wish i spent more time with her. i got her for my ninth birthday and she was a fat labrador. but i loved her. i loved her more than i will ever love anybody.

what is this bullshit that people babble? saying animals don't have souls? sandy had more of a soul than most of the people i know.

less than a month ago, i came home in tears. remember puppy? not the dog, but that stupid son of a bitch that i have been in love with since before i had boobs? yeah, so we had ballroom dancing at school and i didn't dance with him. he danced with this girl who he had previously liked and she had liked him. i hate her. she also stole my friends cat this one time. plus, she looks like a chipmunk which never works well for a human. i watched them and i was upset. i came home in tears. sandy was waiting by my car for her dinner. she saw me and stopped begging for food. i sat down on the ground in the garage and she came and sat on my lap and licked my tears until i stopped.

she cared more than anybody and i loved her for it. i wish i took her for more walks. i wish i told her how much she helped me throughout some of the hardest events that i have ever been through. i wish i hugged her more and comforted her when SHE was sad.

on the night before she was to be put down, i didn't tell her any of this. i lay down with her and just looked at her with tears in my eyes. i felt numb and just patted her head until we both fell asleep.

when i was sad, sandy would comfort me. now, for the worst thing i have ever had to feel, she cannot be hear to lick my tears. she is no longer. but i still love her more than anything.

x. lauren.

i don't have a date.

my school ball is in a few weeks. i don't have a date. i did get asked but only by boys i really didn't like and want to kill after being around them for more than ten minutes. i said no to them all. i only wanted one boy. too bad i just found out he is going with a girl he is good friends with. i think i fail at life pretty well.

i hope you don't fail at life. i hope you are happy and healthy and have many different boys lined up for you to choose from.

x. lauren.

i don't understand.

i post things on my blog regardless of the fact that nobody reads them. i write about things i care about. things which to you, are trivial as you do not know me. that's O.K. you can skip my blog if you like because i am not writing for you. i am writing because i need to. i need a way of expressing this ache inside of me that will not go away. i need it so i can reflect back on it at a later date. i can stop looking back to a time when i was happy with him. this proves i never was. i have always been alone. my habits have not changed and he still looks away from me. i am vulnerable and i am angry. i am mean to my mother and critical of my sister. i spread gossip about my friends and i am just wanting to be loved.

x. lauren.

love's deity.

this has got to be my favourite poem. i can relate easily and it is so beautifully written.

I LONG to talk with some old lover's ghost,
Who died before the god of love was born.
I cannot think that he, who then loved most,
Sunk so low as to love one which did scorn.
But since this god produced a destiny,
And that vice-nature, custom, lets it be,
I must love her that loves not me.

Sure, they which made him god, meant not so much,
Nor he in his young godhead practised it.
But when an even flame two hearts did touch,
His office was indulgently to fit
Actives to passives. Correspondency
Only his subject was ; it cannot be
Love, till I love her, who loves me.

But every modern god will now extend
His vast prerogative as far as Jove.
To rage, to lust, to write to, to commend,
All is the purlieu of the god of love.
Oh were we waken'd by this tyranny
To ungod this child again, it could not be
I should love her, who loves not me.

Rebel and atheist too, why murmur I,
As though I felt the worst that love could do?
Love might make me leave loving, or might try
A deeper plague, to make her love me too ;
Which, since she loves before, I'm loth to see.
Falsehood is worse than hate ; and that must be,
If she whom I love, should love me.

-john donne

x. lauren.

stupid things. stupid love. stupid confusion.

what's the deal? WITH EVERYTHING. like, holey muthafucker.

anyway. i hope everybody is wonderful. i accidentally got really drunk last night, ordered $40 worth of mcdonalds, painted an entire wall in small messages and then proceeded to throw up all night/today. i also had a driving test today which fucking killed me. i was still dizzy and probably not fit to drive but it's okay, i passed regardless. i then threw up all over myself.

i am sorry. you don't need to hear this garbage. i sound gross. i am gross. i also managed to blurt out all my secrets to my friends last night. probably a good thing though. told them that i have loved that cunt face since i was thirteen. burst out in tears out of rage for unrequited love.

x. lauren.